It’s always the same. Not necessarily the time I fall out, but almost always my first wakeup for the night is at the same time, just after two in the morning. It’s not a full wakeup, no, that would be too easy. That would mean I could get up, grab some milk, maybe read a book in a chair until I’m sleepy again. No, this wakeup is the kind of wakeup where you’re not alert enough to realize what’s going on, but you’re definitely not asleep. If I was drunk, this would be the time I send out a text that I don’t remember the next day.
The time isn’t the only thing that’s the same. It’s the feeling. The sweat, the tightness of the chest, the pounding in my ears. I’m lying in bed perfectly still, so how come I feel like I just ran a 10k? I roll over, my muscles scream. Always the same.
Oh, and of course the nightmare is the same. The same demon comes and visits me every night. Doesn’t matter if I’m at home in bed, downstairs on the couch, in a hotel room in some faraway city. He always seems to find me. And oh so punctual. Yup, set your watch on him. Just after two.
I’m not really sure when the nightmares started. I understand that most folks going through this can pinpoint a cause, but can’t pinpoint when they start. I can point at the cause, hell, even the date and time. I find myself looking on Google Maps at where I was sitting, measuring off distances. They truly need to update their satellite pics to a tad more detail, eh? Just under 100 meters. Or over. I’ll measure it again.
I never know what to do. I’m a smart guy, I’ve solved a lot of puzzles in my life. It’s been over a year now and one would think that I could figure out a good technique to defeat all this shit. Drugs don’t help. Alcohol only helps me fall out, the nightmare still happens, but I just don’t care because I’m drunk. A friend recommended a talisman, no workie. Tried the aura thing, astral projection, prayer, meditation (with and without the om’s) and zilch. Nada. Still the demon breaks in. Still he takes the kids. Still he does to the wife what he does.
It would almost be easier if he killed me too in the dream. But as soon as he’s done with everyone else and turns to me, I wake. I never get the chance to fight. The ropes remain on me as he turns and grins…if only I could break free. If only I could grab that knife from him and turn it around. If only he could simply do me in and end the torture…
But instead I wake. And lie there. Knowing that the next time my eyes close, he opens the front door again. He heads straight to my boy’s room. And the rest plays out, over and over, again and again…
Madness? I embrace it. Hopefully when it takes over, I can forget. So close…I’m so damn close. But will I forget? Or will I forget to care? And does it matter?
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